heavy hearts motivate

im not going to sugar coat this in anyway.

shit has been rough since coming back to shanghai after three weeks off at home.

i guess i never knew i would ever feel this way. 

packing up, going back and forth for a few days or weeks. 

saying hi, having a few catch up drinks, 

spending limited time at hockey arenas watching alex skate his little ass off. 

i guess i never knew that things would turn out in a way where i had so little time to do things with people i wanted to do things with most. 

what i'm trying to say is is that, 

though i love this unrooted, flowing time in my life, 

it's fucking difficult. 

this is my third week back & i have yet to adjust. 

im outright homesick. 

my sleeping patterns are absolutely wack. 

i came back to pounds of work & no time to even have jet lag. 

i came back questioning my choices. 

my last night as i was packing up, megan stopped by for one last goodbye. The dreaded act I had been repeating for the better half of my trip. i couldn't hide how upset i was. 

This time, it was a lot harder leaving for several reasons. 

when you come home and see the ease and pace at which things happened, it genuinely makes you rethink why you're doing what you're doing. 

you miss comfort & cinnamon buns 

you miss knowing everyone and driving. 

you miss random things like safeway, mcdonalds oatmeal, yoga classes you can understand.

i miss spending time with people who know me to the core. 

i got that time at home with some of my best friends. 

as i was saying to Elma, it's weird how different my best friends are from each other & how different they are from me, but how easy it is to have them as my best friends. 

i love this most. 

that we can be different people, but appreciate each others paths and admire one another.

it was a serendipitous time, this trip at home. 

it was fun, to say the least. 

filled with a ton of snow, good conversations, remedy dates, cinnamon buns, hockey games, redstar nights, catchup sessions, days in bed. 

old friends and new friends. 

it's so nice to be somewhere so familiar, but, it's also unsettling in weird ways. 

i have lost a sense of familiarity with the most familiar people in my life. 

i have become unattached. 

i have lost that 'bond' with tons of people. 

it's sad, it's sad because it's inevitable that you grow apart from people, even when you don't want to. 

but this is life's natural progression, and it would be whether i was here or there. 

01 01 2015

waking up was weird. 

apart from being hungover, i was heavy hearted thinking about leaving in two days. 

i had a million thoughts running through my head, the main one being, 

'i don't want to get on that flight back home.'

this is a first time for me. 

but i did. 

after some tears at the airport with mom and dad and ana, 

i boarded and made my way back. 

i got back to the apartment and felt like i felt the first night when I moved to DC in January of 2012, three years from that day, really.  

Nic and I were laying in the beds of our hotel room, both of us homesick, we were just sad. 

i was just SO homesick the night i got back. 

i couldn't sleep, so I finished my resolution list. 

i didn't sleep all night, got out of bed at 5am and walked the dog. 

i was back at the office that morning, with shitty surprises waiting for me.

BUT. 

the first weekend back was bliss. 

20 degrees. 

i started and finished 'the alchemist' for the 4th time. 

i knew there was a reason i packed it. 

What's the worlds greatest lie? It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us and our lives become controlled by fate.  

He still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.  

We make a lot of detours, but we're always heading for the same destination 

People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but we're forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happened, we suffer terribly." 

"Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him" his heart said. "We, people's hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, towards its own fate. But, unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them-the path to their personal legends, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out, indeed, to be a threatening place."  

When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too. 

and then i was reminded 

making a decision was only the beginning of things. 

it's all about these decisions. 

do we simply let life proceed, or do we make decisions.

the reality is that we usually just let life take its own path. 

we forget that we can actually decide.

this isn't me saying i got out of my rut. 

i still want to hop back on a plane. 

i still am feeling heavy hearted. 

im still homesick 

im still questioning what im doing here. 

but im sure about one thing. 

im suppose to be here & timing is right. 

i have my hands on some of the coolest projects i have ever got to work on, EVER. 

i am making some of the best moves I have ever made. 

i am meeting people who are inspiring me. 

i'm just missing little bits and pieces of me that are lingering somewhere else. 

and with the switch of the light, i just have to remind myself that: 

if you do all of this right 

it will last forever. 

2015. 

heavy hearts inspire. 

heavy hearts are a reminder. 

ambition without motivation is...

nothing at all. 

More can ultimately mean less

Are too many desires and wants and expectations the root of our evil? Do we paint a picture of what things should look like and accordingly try to make that picture real through all our actions, efforts and trials.

I just need to lay here for a couple more hours and keep pondering this. What the fuck is actually really important? Is it the Phillip Lim bag waiting in that virtual shopping bag, is it the huge project at work, is it the grand summer trip in the works? 

More and more, as time passes, instead of wanting less, we end up wanting more. 

I think for the first time ever, just yesterday, I thought, maybe it is actually wrong to want more. I thought to myself: 'fuck me for ever telling people they can have everything they want and MORE' (I do believe this though). 

I'm rereading Paolo's 'The Alchemist' right now. This is the fourth time I'm reading it, the last time being a couple of years ago. It's a new book every time. 

"Today I understand something I didn't before: every blessing ignored becomes a curse. I don't want anything else in life. But you are forcing me to look at wealth and at horizons I have never known. Now that I have seen them, and now that I see how immense my possibilities are, I'm going to feel worse than I did before you arrived. Because I know the things I should be able to accomplish, and I don't want to do so." 

Here's what happens. 

We 'bump' into people, into experiences, and into scenarios and situations that transform us. They transform our thoughts, our realities, our wants and desires. They sometimes give us an opportunity to peep into another world. A world that appears to be so much better than the initial one we started diagramming into our premature minds. 

There is no such thing as coincidence.

These non-coincidental moments happened. I don't know why they happened, but they happened. And what follows...

inspiration, hunger, drive, desire.

All things we assume to be good, healthy things.

Some people, some experiences, some situations; they open our eyes and ears and minds.

They make us want things we never felt ourselves wanting before.

In turn we feel blessed. We feel blessed for having someone or something show us the other end of the spectrum.

We think: I can do so much more, I can be so much more, my possibilities are endless.

or maybe...

'...Because I know the things I should be able to accomplish, and I don't want to do so.'

So don't. It's fine. 

It's like that cliche that we hear or site over and over again:

The poorest people, are the happiest. 

The simplest lifestyles, are so much more authentic and fullfilling.

We say it, we see it, and yet, we drift in the opposite direction.

For more money, more success, more experience.

And once you start wanting more, more will be inevitably what you get.

It doesn't just stop, it's only the beginning.

It can be the beginning of something fatal, or something great.

More can ultimately mean less.

Let your more, be just that, YOUR more.

No one else's.

Determine it for yourself, don't have someone else's conquests, plans and inspirations skew yours.

Don't let inspiration be volatile. Don't let another's hunger be yours. Don't lose sight of the basics that fulfill you.

Or what if the answer is to just want less?

a lot can happen in a year.

People like to believe in this thing: "if it's meant to be, it will be."
if it's meant to be, it will find its way.
I think until recently, I too was one of these people.

I want to live in New York, and if it's meant to be, it will be.
I want to write a book, and if it's meant to, it will happened.
I want to live abroad and travel often, and if it's meant for me, it will be.
If it's meant for you to be together, love will find its way.

If you want to live in New York, start sketching your plan to move to New York.
If you want to write a book, start writing.
If you want to live abroad, move.
If you want to travel, don't buy the shoes.
To the last one, bullshit. If you love them, do something. 

My biggest revelation this year was just this. In life, you need to not only have an idea of what you want, but you also need to have a plan to get there. You need to do something, or you might just realize it's 2015 and you find yourself somewhere you don't want to be, living a life you don't really want to live.

To be quite frank, I think the majority of us live everyday thinking what we would like our future lives to look like, without actually setting goals to get there. We often hear, and say: "if it's meant to be it will be."

Leaving your life in the hands of anyone but yourself is irrational. Leaving your life in the hands of fate, well that's stupid.

Thing's don't just happened.
Success doesn't just appear, and neither does the love of your life.
Your dream car will always be your dream car, unless you make a plan on how you're going to buy that car.
New York will forever seem unattainable, because you haven't made it seem otherwise.
Travel will always be an expensive luxury, because you haven't made a travel savings account.

EVERYTHING YOU WANT IS ATTAINABLE.

Here's the direct argument against this: If you're always working for something else, you can't be present in the moment, you can't be enjoying life, you're always wanting something more. Maybe part of this is true, and relevant and right. Maybe always wanting something better, is unhealthy. Maybe it's better to just be. Maybe. But maybe not, too.

A small part of me is on the fence about all this. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. You can miss out on a lot if you are always thinking about the next thing. You may miss the 'prime' of your life working towards your future self.

But I guess a huge part of me disagrees with all this.

When I am working towards my future self, this is actually when I am enjoying life the most.
When I set goals, and work to attain them,  this is when I am happiest.
When I am focused and motivated and productive, this is when I am present.

Because this little light inside of me thinks that we are all here for a purpose that is much greater than existence. But it's also much easier to go with the flow and believe that, if it's meant to be, it will find its way. 

I read a book by Jeff Olson quite recently: The Slight Edge: Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success. 

There were parts of it I loved, parts of it I hated.
But in the grand scheme, it was an excellent book to read.
An excellent book for anyone to read, but especially for twenty somethings.

He reiterates something so simple, yet something so true.
There are things in life that are easy to do, but these same things are also easy not to do.
I guess I don't need to explain much further, but you can imagine what happens to folks who choose to do the easy things.

And so this brings me to new years resolutions and the negative stigma that goes along with them. Why do so many resolutions go undone? Why do we always (or most of the time) fail to get there? Why do we make empty promises to ourselves?

Resolutions go undone because they are often ideal images crafted in our minds of what we would like to be like. I would like to be a super fit, super intelligent, super successful, super informed etc. That's it. I would like these things.
If it's meant to be, it will be...

Ambition is nothing without motivation.

a lot can happened in a year, they say.
a lot has happened in a year.
29 more days of 2014.

for the love of octobers

I love October, because from beginning to end, it's beautiful. 

And the annual post comes again.
My October post is probably one of my favorite pieces of writing I do every year. Because without fail, I laugh and cry every time I write it.

I use my birthday month every year, as not only a goal setting month, but a month to think back on things. It's seriously a really good exercise thinking about all of the positive and negative things that ensue over the short span of 365 days.

As such...

Year 25, I have to say, you were unquestionably my best year yet.

I started 25 by meeting my best friend in Hong Kong while I was doing my visa run. Juliana quickly made the decision to tag along, and thankfully so. I remember saying to Julz: "it's funny, we're meeting up in Hong Kong, of all places, for the first time in months." I look forward to meeting this girl all over the world in the years to come.

I discovered a city I'd like to call home, at least for a short time. Hong Kong was amazing and we both loved it...so much so that Juliana missed her flight back to Singapore (where she was living and studying at that time.)

I celebrated 25 on the worlds highest rooftop, at some starwars themed Halloween party, that quickly got really weird. We made our way to the island and back to our hotel around 7am with dead phones that were left uncharged and thus, with alarms that didn't go off and thus, a morning running around like idiots trying to rally out of our hotel room so that I could at least get back to Shanghai. Juliana spent the day at the airport...

I travelled a bunch in my 25th year.
I saw Hong Kong.
I spent 3 weeks wandering Indonesia, a totally stunning country I can't wait to go back to, with some good company this time around, I hope.
I went to Thailand and had a good balance of peace and partying.
I went to Singapore and had one of my favorite days with a girl who has come to be one of my closest friends.
I went to Taiwan and was stunned by its beauty.
I travelled Mainland China, travelling that opened my eyes to the sheer size and diversity of this crazy country I have decided to call home for a couple more years.
I made my way back to Canada and spent sometime with a familiar stranger in Vancouver and a week at home with some of the best people.

I collected a decent amount of stamps on my passport and acquired a whole new love for South East Asia. A lot of solo travelling also meant a lot of reading, and thinking, and random friends and encounters and most importantly, a ton of new knowledge.

Living here meant new friendships too.
I have met some incredible people who have turned into family.
I've watched people come and go, and realized the hardships that come with living in a transient place.
I have had some crazy nights, watched sunsets and sunrises on the bund, and pieced evenings together over massages and pedicures, too many times.
I've eaten enough baos, drank [too many] old fashions, and developed an addiction for cola hi-chews.
Climbed rooftops, spent afternoons on yongkang, and wandered through some of the best art galleries and museums.
I've seen some incredible sporting events, bought my fair share of sneakers and seen some pretty cool live acts.

Mom & dad visited China for the first time ever and left feeling a little unsettled after being robbed in Beijing (lol) and realizing I was pretty serious about staying here. I loved having them here and I loved seeing the Great Wall with them. 

The coffee shop I'm writing at right now is the same one where I sent them off and every time I come here a sense of nostalgia comes over me.

My dad doesn't cry but instead he does this thing where he kisses my forehead and then hugs me and taps my back a few times. I know those taps are almost like tears for him- one's where he's saying: be good, take care and come home soon- i love you.

My mom, though she always tries not to cry, always fails and lets the waterworks turn on. I promised her I would visit  before the summer was up and didn't live up to that promise. Christmas can't come soon enough.

My mom and dad have shown an endless amount of support and love, though not always agreeing with all my decisions, over the past year or so. I try to make all my decisions with this in mind: "Your parents always want the best for you, but what they want for you isn't always the best thing for you." I always take their advice and directions, but I never lose sense of what I want.

The apartment I came to call home for the last year is currently being packed up...sorta. The sofa housed so many random people from all over the world, and hopefully my next sofa can do the same.

I sort of adopted a dog and became a surrogate mother, thanks CHOW.

Twenty Five- my last attempt at corporate. I failed and thankfully so.
Today I find myself overtiming every single day and loving every second of it.
I'm having a few days of break before I am thrown into my first ever fashion week.
At work I develop digital campaigns, build stores, work with designers and write for a living. I am seriously in my dream job, a dream of a job that comes with many hurdles, but who said that anything was easy.

A friend I met this year said to me: "you're young, you should be doing something younger." He has no clue how hard those words resonated with me.

I am taking my studies a lot more seriously and my Mandarin has improved tenfolds these last few months and I hope to not rely on translations at all this time next year.

Twenty Five has been one consistent year of change and thinking about all of this today, makes me feel so lucky.

Though a year of change, some things remained. I realized that no matter how far away I may be, my best friendships won't be challenged. I've stayed well connected with my closest friends and still talk to most of them on a regular basis.

One of my favorite memories from this year was the exchange of love and tears that ensued when I made a impromptu trip home for one of best friends wedding days. Thinking about that moment and that day makes me so happy and so excited to see her in a few months.

One thing that remains much the same is that I miss my family and friends and that's all inevitable. Not seeing Alex & Ana and missing birthdays and hockey games and Christmas concerts hasn't exactly been easy, but it's a part of this choice of living away from loved ones. One thing that distance does do is remind you of just how important family and friends are. It makes you try harder to preserve relationships with some of the most important people.

After all,

Happiness is only real when it is shared.

Collecting pieces and reliving memories makes me realize that so much has happened over the past year and that I have so much to be grateful for.

26:

I'm going to simplify the goal setting this year.

1) For the sake of happiness: Presence
2) For the sake of success: Design
3) For the sake of intuition: New York

bonus. 4) For the sake of love: Bravery

It's almost exactly a year from the day I wrote this post last year.

The leaves are falling, and the air in the city hasn't been this good in forever. It's so beautiful out.
I don't know what it is about October but it's really the best combination of all things.
The weather, wardrobe changes, the way people cling onto patios for just a few more weeks to enjoy coffee and conversation for just a little longer.
I want to wake up earlier to live a little more of it every day.
For some reason I feel like I fall much deeper into my books, and my projects.
Into people and into experiences.
I'm more aware, but also more vulnerable.
Generally, I'm just more content.

It's not a new feeling, it's a reoccurring one and I look forward to it so much more every single year.
Maybe the growing numbers that represent my growing years have something to do with this.
Whatever it is, I don't want it to stop.

The funny thing about time is that it doesn't stop, it doesn't slow down, it just goes.
I think the key is figuring out how to go with it and not against it.
There is an ambiguity to the way life unfolds and if you embrace it, life tastes fucking DELICIOUS
....this is life: delicious ambiguity.

I love October, because from beginning to end, it's beautiful. 

balance

she'll never ask to be your life...
just one of the most important things in it.
balance is key.

try a little harder

Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them.

I think this quote sucks. 

I think it really sucks for so many reasons and, but here's the two most important reasons:

1. too many things in life should not be mediocre, people are just too fucking lazy and decide to go with mediocre. 

And mediocre isn't bad...that's why we get trapped there. 

It's good, it's comfortable, it's safe, it's familiar, it's healthy. 

Being human can be extremely challenging. 

Life involves hardships and obstacles, and there's nothing wrong with that. We have to accept that and work with it, grow with it, learn from it. 

Easier said then done, yes, but...

"There is nothing wrong with hardships and obstacles, but everything wrong with not trying." 

Just try a little harder. 

It's in all of us. 

I know for damn well sure it's in me. 

The reality is that most of us quit trying harder after we're done with exams, tryouts and competitions. When we grow up, we almost lose a sense reasoning to try harder. We've accomplished all that's left to be accomplished...

this is how shit gets really mediocre. 

Mediocre is an acceptance of how things are- a choice that we can't do things differently, a conformity of sorts. 

Mediocre is a underestimation of self. 

Mediocre isn't good enough, it will never be good enough. 

So, what I'm trying to say is that, so many things in life don't have to be mediocre. 

2) why this quote sucks more. 

because, when it comes to love, the quote is in itself-  true. 

If you asked me two years ago, I would say that more effort should go into all other things but love. Something that is becoming quite clear is just how important effort is in this sense. 

"In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with someone else. It's important to combine the two in just the right amount."

There's a big difference in being kissed and being kissed well,
and a bigger difference in being loved and being loved well. 
and the biggest difference in loving and being in love.

Love should be mad, passionate and extraordinary. 
and more, 
it should be fun. 
It should be a raw friendship, only the two of you understand. 
It should be gripping and exhausting at times. 
It should be constant work. 

A good companion should make you feel a feeling so deep and so real. 
This feeling won't always be pleasant. 
But read the words: mad, passionate, extraordinary. 
There emotions will hurt more, before they feel good. 

A good companion should kiss you, and they should kiss you well. 
A good companion should know that there's nothing better than coffee and sundays in bed. 

To have a good companion, be a good companion.

above all.

A good companion should never ruin your efficiency. 
Instead, in a world where everyone is barely trying, 
they should make you try just a little harder. 
every day. 

That will make everything extraordinary, EVERYTHING
& you deserve that. 

together you are completed

some shit i wrote a couple days ago when i couldn't sleep.

and before you marry someone else.
marry adventure
marry books
marry your career
your goals
marry yourself.

And then.
When you feel complete.
Marry someone,
marry someone who doesn't complete you,
rather someone who compliments you.
You are complete,
but together,
together you are completed.

People like us fall in love with people like us.

i read this and it pierced my heart. 

it read: 

they say 'opposites attract' but i think people like us fall in love with people like us. 

we fall in love with ourselves. 

i think it takes more than just anyone to be with one of us. we see deeper parts of people. we long for their souls, 

for their gardens of thought, 

for feeling their backbone, their spine, inhaling the words they breathe. 

we see more in people because of what we know ourselves. 

i think we fall in love with people like us, 

people with beautiful words, 

and thoughts, and glances at strangers and artistry. we can't just wake up in the morning. 

and go to work. 

we want to lie in bed, 

count the freckles on our shoulders,

how many times a rain drop hits the window. 

We breathe differently,

we strive off of beauty, 

that's why we can't settle, for just anyone, who's different. 

There got to be a person we find beauty in. 

Who thinks, and feels, and wonders. 

As remarkably as we sometimes do. 

I think we fall into people who are a lot like us. 

because they understand, appreciate, relate, and know the way we experience and feel. 

And I think that's important. 

They say opposites attract, like magnets, they're pulled, from different places, ending up together. 

But we don't need opposites, or magnetic force. 

We're on the same side, north or south. 

We don't need to be pulled together. 

We're already there. 

 

and now, blissful disruption.

So, I'm rereading 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. Though I initially thought this was an excellent read, this time it's a little different (this seems to be a reoccurring theme when rereading books- you seriously can miss so much the first time around). It's about this concept of presence which I have been [trying to] practicing a lot in the past couple of months....and maybe I've been doing it wrong? 

Besides the point...

Here's some food for thought:

"Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life." 

Sometimes we spend so much time and energy thinking about the future, and thinking about the past that we literally lose sight of the now. 

I do this. I worry sometimes about the potential threats in my future by choosing to stay in China. Other times, I look at photos and letters of my past and cling to moments, artifacts and people that are long gone and I spend days reliving 2012, instead of living 2014. 

What fucks people up is how much they think. 

I especially know this about myself. I especially recognize this when reading this book. 

“Thinking and consciousness are not synonymous. Thinking is only a small aspect of consciousness. Thought cannot exist without consciousness, but consciousness does not need thought.” 

- - - - - - - - 

'Everything happens for a reason.'

The new job.

Let me begin with the bad first. I'm terribly exhausted, all the time. 

I wake up between 5am and 6am every single morning and thus I have been passing out the moment I walk into my house. As such, I have been a little absent with my friends here and at home, and my family. This weekend was the first weekend out in a while and it was a breath of fresh air. 

Doing language classes in the morning, followed by 8-12 hour days can be mega exhausting. 

...and that's about it, I'm tired. It's a new schedule and it's only a matter of time until I get accustomed to it. 

The good: 

I wake up and think about work, at work I'm consumed and when I leave, I don't leave my work. I am constantly working and the best thing of all, it doesn't feel like work because it doesn't feel boring and mundane and life sucking. I am constantly thinking about what kind of digital campaign we should launch, what kind of lookbook we should stage for SS15, what our new concept store will have, what kind of collaborations we should be doing, what kind of content we should be pushing etc. 

It's like this, I'll be on the subway home and I'll hear a word on my playlist or in my book and I'll light up and scramble for a note pad to write the word down. Two weeks ago that word, or I guess in this case quote, was: "I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious." This quote has played an increasingly important role in my office and in my role the last couple of weeks. 

Last week I raced from the bathroom to my desk to get a thought out on paper before I forgot it. I'm sure my colleagues think I'm a huge weirdo...but we're all pretty fucking weird.

I constantly feel like this is all too good to be true. 

Work is great, really great. 

This opportunity...it was blissful disruption. 

"Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it."

There have been numerous events in my life where I thought to myself, 'everything happens for a reason'. This, more so than any other experience, speaks to that theory. Instead of denying anything, instead of thinking too much, instead of neglecting changes- just go with it. To go with it, to accept it like it was chosen for you, to take the moment and to embrace it, might be the best thing you could ever do for yourself. 

None of this was part of the plan...you know Asia (like longterm Asia). But who the fuck said life was a plan? 
Life is a series of experiences, opportunities and goals. You can have those, and you should always have those, but to have a plan as to how they should unravel, is to deny yourself a sense of happiness and pleasure. Above all, life is about living. 

“All negativity is caused by an accumulation of psychological time and denial of the present. Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry—all forms of fear—are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of nonforgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.”

Today, I am here. I am exactly where I am suppose to be and NOW is all there ever is. 

"leave life alone. let it be." 

I started 'The Power of Now' about 6 days ago after having a, what we like to call here, 'a China day.' I was, in what felt like, the middle of no where. A city in China where consumerism and wealth accumulation have taken off at a pace that is undefinable; we just opened a new store there. Several factors made for a shitty day, long hours, a creepy hotel room, travelling all day, leaving the office with a huge assignment and a fever, and to top it off, a lack of caffeine. I literally laid in bed and thought:

"WHAT AM I DOING? WHY AM I HERE? I MISS HOME. I MISS MY FAMILY. I MISS MY FRIENDS. MY COLLEAGUES BARELY UNDERSTAND A WORD I AM TRYING TO CONVEY. 

CAN I DO THIS- CAN I REALLY DO THIS, LONG TERM?"

These feelings come up when we are pushed really far out of our comfort zones...and ugh, sometimes they suck so much. 

Needless to say, the feelings were gone when the store was all ready and I was on my way back into Shanghai. 

This moment made me pull for Tolle's book that I picked up on the street a couple weeks ago (BOOTLEG BOOKS ARE THE BEST THING EVERRRR!) 

Rereading Tolle, I have really been trying to shake off any negativity, any thoughts of the past, any hesitations of the future, because everything is unfolding as it should be and I am learning to trust the timing of my life, even though, in some circumstances, I wish timing was better. 

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but you thoughts about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking.”

Sometimes, disruptions aren't disruptions at all, quite the opposite. 

SERENDIPITY OVER CHOREOGRAPHY, ALWAYS. 

There are opportunities and people that come into your life, and instead of asking why, or focusing on the negative, embrace the moment and embrace everything it has to offer. You might find yourself somewhere you never expected to find yourself...and there's a real sense of excitement and happiness in that.  

Leave life alone. Let it be. 
Focus on all the good around you, and most importantly, realize that the present moment is all you will ever have. 

freewill

"Most people live life on the path we set for them, too afraid to explore any other. But once in a while people like you come along who knock down all the obstacles we put in your way. People who realize freewill is a gift that you'll never know how to use until you fight for it. I think that's the chairman's real plan. That maybe one day, we won't write the plan, you will."

She said to him: "I'm scared no one will ever love me like you love me."
truth was, she still had the same fear.

Rei Kawakubo

I don't feel too excited about fashion today, more fearful that people don't necessarily want or need strong new clothes, that there are not enough of us believing in the same thing, that there is a kind of burnout, that people just want cheap fast clothes and are happy to look like everyone else, that the flame of creation has gone a bit cold, that enthusiasm and passionate anger for change and rattling the status quo is weakening. But what I still love about it is that playing the fool, acting silly, showing off, being a celebrity designer are all integral and necessary parts of the fashion business. And creation excites me, because without creation there can be no progress.

Rei Kawakubo.

The Difficulty in Doing Difficult Things.

It’s been a bit of a crazy few weeks.

I started developing some anxiety when May came to a close and June appeared. My contract ends in August with my current employer and so the decision of what’s next was weighing on me.

With my parents visit to Shanghai in the Spring came serious dialogue about the fact that, if the right opportunity was to come my way, I was willing to make Shanghai a very permanent home for a couple of years.

With this came support, but also anxiety, from all sides. You know, your parents just want you close to home, and at the same time I was feeling the desire to be closer to my family, especially my niece and nephew.

In June I started looking for work, both here, in Canada, the U.S. and Europe. I went into the time-consuming process with an open mind about where I was to settle, but I was also applying for jobs in a very specific sector. For the first time in my life I was applying for jobs with a long-term objective in mind, knowing exactly the type of work I wanted to be engaged in.

And so the process began, cover letters, resume tweeking, networking, meetings, skype calls, you name it. My evenings were packed and I was feeling both excited and exhausted.

I got a call back from a place here in Shanghai, and a meeting was set up. It was an evening interview that began around 7:30 p.m. and ended around 10:30 p.m.  Let’s just say that a very interesting conversation evolved and leaving that interview I had lots to think about. To be honest, I left the interview intimidated and scared and worried, but hooked.

Let me back track a little.

I have been blogging online for sometime now, and have always followed fashion pretty religiously because, well, because it was something that spoke to me. I mean…I am a female after all.

But seriously, I was interested in what was happening, I suppose, on a different level. My night classes in college often entailed pinning and writing new posts about Elie Tahari’s newest collections, Stella’s color palettes or Rick Owen’s use of layers and textures.

After college, a close family friend asked me, why are you taking the political, international relations route, you should be trying to pursue a career in the fashion industry. I was quick to brush it off; “it’s a hobby, and plus there’s not much of a chance of a promising career in fashion.” I didn’t consider it because my educational background, or my work experiences, would be unlikely to offer me the opportunity.

With Shanghai came unexpected opportunity.

Scratch that.

With Shanghai came opportunity.

With my second interview came the question, “If we offer you this position now, will you take it.”

My answer: “I Honestly need to think about it.”

And so I bring you back to what this post is all about.

The difficulty in doing difficult things.

My thoughts leaving my second interview: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

It’s very difficult for me to verbalize the chemistry and conversation that ensued during my interviews. I was very honest about my hesitancy, about my inexperience, about my anxiety.

The response from my interviewer: ‘We believe in you, and that’s all that matters. I believe in you, or you wouldn’t be here.’

I can’t really explain the kind of comfort that comes with words of that sort.

I believe in you.

I believe in me too, but I don’t want to let anyone down.

I was honest and transparent and vulnerable. My voice trembled.

‘Too many damn things in this world are mediocre. There’s no reason why I can’t live the life I always imagined myself living. I know I can deliver, I know that I have vision, I know that I have passion and drive that a lot of other people just don’t have. I know these things. But, I may fail.’

‘YOU WILL FAIL. AND THIS WILL BE HARD. BUT, I BELIEVE IN YOU. ‘

And so when the ball was in my court to get back to the company on whether I was ready to commit to such an opportunity, a million thoughts sprinted through my head. Amongst those:

1.     Distance from home
2.     Living in China for an extended period of time and what that meant.
3.     Alex & Ana growing up without me around
4.     Finding a partner abroad.
5.     How much further behind I would be when it came to material possessions. (STUPID, BUT REAL.)
6.     The difficulty of a learning Mandarin and seriously operating with it on a day to day basis.
7.     The difficulty of working in a Chinese company and the cultural differences that would arise.
8.     The fact that many of my closest friends in Shanghai are leaving.
9.     The fact that my salary here is significantly lower than it would be in North America.
10.   Missing milestones; weddings, babies, engagements, reunions.
11.   Spending less then a month a year with my family…

We are quick to build this glamorous image around the expat lifestyle, but with this lifestyle come’s many sacrifices and at one point you have to assess whether you have it in you to make those sacrifices.

With difficult concerns came revelations.

This will be the most difficult thing I choose to take on in my twenties. This will be stressful, this will be draining, this will be culturally demanding, this will be far from home, far from familiarity, far from my friends and most importantly, far from my family.

So in my head I frame scenarios.

If I was to go home, what would it look like. Yes, I would get the comfort of home, of mom and dad, of my sister and the kids, of my friends. I could go and get a coffee at Elm and fish tacos at OJ’s and spend evenings wandering the river valley. Writing all this down makes me want to pack up and just leave. I can’t really explain how much I miss the smallest things.

I miss dates with Becca and B. Patios and manicure dates and walks with Nixon and shopping dates. Movie nights. Nights around a fire. Nights at billiards. Saturdays at the market.

Sunday mornings with Alex in my bed telling me all his favorite stories and flashing me a mouth full of missing teeth. Ana running into bed as soon as she hears us cracking up.

Sunday family dinner dates in the backyard. Dad’s BBQ’ed chicke and mom’s greek salad. Listening to the chaos until dinner is done and we are all finally sitting around the table eating.

Evenings by myself, a stop at LEVA for my favorite coffee, Globe and Mail on the patio, a walk across the High Level. 

My heart gets heavy when I think about these things.

We write to taste life twice. To relive these moments, even if in the slightest bit.

It seems like an easy decision. You put your time in, you lived in China for a year, you learnt lots and saw lots and met some amazing folks. Now, now it’s time to head back.

For short term fulfillment, for immediate laughs, for full hearts, yes, the decision is easy.

The reality: difficult decisions are more often then not, the right decision.

For all the things I constantly find myself yearning for, I recognize that I need to make difficult decisions.

Taking this job is difficult. Not taking this job scares me to death.

The desire to run home was real, is real, and is felt on numerous occasions throughout the months when I hit walls. But then, I think about all the times I made a decision based on security and complacency and how fucking miserable it made me, especially in a professional setting.

There is so much more shit I have to deal with here.

Doing taxes in two countries, renewing visas and residencies and dealing with red tape on a non-stop basis, figuring out how to keep my Canadian account afloat to pay off my Canadian credit cards, buying ginger at the grocery store and not knowing how to say ginger and wanting to pull my hair out cause there’s no ginger, allocating 10 vacation days to go home and visit, having to look for a new apartment soon and knowing the chaos that goes along with that process in China.

BUT ALL THIS SHIT IS REALLY MINOR IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF LIFE.

The difficulty in making difficult decisions is real.

But, there’s no other decision to make other than staying here.

And so when I made the call home, the emotional response was expected. I suspected sweltering tears and selfish responses that just asked me to come home.

A call to my mom and an email to my dad: “I’ve signed a three year contract.”

Mom: “Tanja, I got emotional because I won’t see you for so long, but I understand why you want to do this, and if this this is what you love, then do it, by all means do it!”

Dad: "Hey TC, 
Sorry for not being a little more expandable on my words and feelings. You know how proud and happy I am regarding your life steps. When I was in Shanghai enjoying one of the best hamburgers ever, I told you that I admire your life and business approaches which will hopefully lead you towards your goals and love. Keep being smart, my girl."

After all the emotional stuff, and once the decision was finally made, the window was finally opened to celebrate and fully realize the opportunity in front of me.

For the first time in my professional life, I can say that I am exactly where I should be.

Shanghai Fashion Week Oct 16

There’s a difficulty in doing difficult things.

There’s a much grander difficulty in doing things you don’t want to do.

And as per some inspiration, Jim Carrey, of all people, nails it.

All there will ever be, is what’s happening here, and the decisions we make in this moment, which are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose our paths out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect so we never dare to ask the universe for it. I’m saying, I’m the proof that you can ask the universe for it.

My father could have been a great comedian, but he didn’t believe that was possible for him. And so he made a conservative choice, instead, he got a safe job as an accountant, and when I was 12 years old, he was let go from that safe job and our family had to do whatever we could to survive.

I learned many great lessons from my father, not the least of which was that you can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.