im not going to sugar coat this in anyway.
shit has been rough since coming back to shanghai after three weeks off at home.
i guess i never knew i would ever feel this way.
packing up, going back and forth for a few days or weeks.
saying hi, having a few catch up drinks,
spending limited time at hockey arenas watching alex skate his little ass off.
i guess i never knew that things would turn out in a way where i had so little time to do things with people i wanted to do things with most.
what i'm trying to say is is that,
though i love this unrooted, flowing time in my life,
it's fucking difficult.
this is my third week back & i have yet to adjust.
im outright homesick.
my sleeping patterns are absolutely wack.
i came back to pounds of work & no time to even have jet lag.
i came back questioning my choices.
my last night as i was packing up, megan stopped by for one last goodbye. The dreaded act I had been repeating for the better half of my trip. i couldn't hide how upset i was.
This time, it was a lot harder leaving for several reasons.
when you come home and see the ease and pace at which things happened, it genuinely makes you rethink why you're doing what you're doing.
you miss comfort & cinnamon buns
you miss knowing everyone and driving.
you miss random things like safeway, mcdonalds oatmeal, yoga classes you can understand.
i miss spending time with people who know me to the core.
i got that time at home with some of my best friends.
as i was saying to Elma, it's weird how different my best friends are from each other & how different they are from me, but how easy it is to have them as my best friends.
i love this most.
that we can be different people, but appreciate each others paths and admire one another.
it was a serendipitous time, this trip at home.
it was fun, to say the least.
filled with a ton of snow, good conversations, remedy dates, cinnamon buns, hockey games, redstar nights, catchup sessions, days in bed.
old friends and new friends.
it's so nice to be somewhere so familiar, but, it's also unsettling in weird ways.
i have lost a sense of familiarity with the most familiar people in my life.
i have become unattached.
i have lost that 'bond' with tons of people.
it's sad, it's sad because it's inevitable that you grow apart from people, even when you don't want to.
but this is life's natural progression, and it would be whether i was here or there.
01 01 2015
waking up was weird.
apart from being hungover, i was heavy hearted thinking about leaving in two days.
i had a million thoughts running through my head, the main one being,
'i don't want to get on that flight back home.'
this is a first time for me.
but i did.
after some tears at the airport with mom and dad and ana,
i boarded and made my way back.
i got back to the apartment and felt like i felt the first night when I moved to DC in January of 2012, three years from that day, really.
Nic and I were laying in the beds of our hotel room, both of us homesick, we were just sad.
i was just SO homesick the night i got back.
i couldn't sleep, so I finished my resolution list.
i didn't sleep all night, got out of bed at 5am and walked the dog.
i was back at the office that morning, with shitty surprises waiting for me.
BUT.
the first weekend back was bliss.
20 degrees.
i started and finished 'the alchemist' for the 4th time.
i knew there was a reason i packed it.
What's the worlds greatest lie? It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us and our lives become controlled by fate.
He still had some doubts about the decision he had made. But he was able to understand one thing: making a decision was only the beginning of things. When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.
We make a lot of detours, but we're always heading for the same destinationPeople are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don't deserve them, or that they'll be unable to achieve them. We, their hearts, become fearful just thinking of loved ones who go away forever, or of moments that could have been good but weren't, or of treasures that might have been found but we're forever hidden in the sands. Because, when these things happened, we suffer terribly."
"Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him" his heart said. "We, people's hearts, seldom say much about those treasures, because people no longer want to go in search of them. We speak of them only to children. Later, we simply let life proceed, in its own direction, towards its own fate. But, unfortunately, very few follow the path laid out for them-the path to their personal legends, and to happiness. Most people see the world as a threatening place, and, because they do, the world turns out, indeed, to be a threatening place."
When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too.
and then i was reminded
making a decision was only the beginning of things.
it's all about these decisions.
do we simply let life proceed, or do we make decisions.
the reality is that we usually just let life take its own path.
we forget that we can actually decide.
this isn't me saying i got out of my rut.
i still want to hop back on a plane.
i still am feeling heavy hearted.
im still homesick
im still questioning what im doing here.
but im sure about one thing.
im suppose to be here & timing is right.
i have my hands on some of the coolest projects i have ever got to work on, EVER.
i am making some of the best moves I have ever made.
i am meeting people who are inspiring me.
i'm just missing little bits and pieces of me that are lingering somewhere else.
and with the switch of the light, i just have to remind myself that:
if you do all of this right
it will last forever.
2015.
heavy hearts inspire.
heavy hearts are a reminder.
ambition without motivation is...
nothing at all.
