be proud

im so tired right now.
so so so so so tired.
but i have to take a minute to write all this down while it's flowing through my head.
it's been a crazy week of work and with half a team the work load is tough and I have a hard time verbalizing what I need at work because....well because I don't speak their language.

But beyond the mayhem, beyond the mess, beyond my greasy hair, beyond the lack of sleep, today I feel really good about, not necessarily my appearance, but me, about being here, about what I've come to accomplish. 

I'm proud of myself.

Really, I know there's this idea that living in a foreign place is bliss and glamour, but it isn't. It's fun, maybe sometimes too much fun, but it's a difficult to choose to be so far away from those you love, from those who know you to the core, from those that care about you the most. 

I miss home.
I really really really miss home.
I miss my mom & dad.
My Alex & Ana.
My sister.
My girlfriends.
my G8. my B&B (britt and becca).
My apple, Elma.
nights in bed watching movies with Yuli.

I fucking miss safeway and the way it smells and the endless options of food.
I miss buying cereal for 5 dollars.
I miss the river valley and fresh air.
I miss whyte ave and poboys and high level diner and black dog. 
I miss cinnamon buns. 
I miss driving to the Legislature in the morning, drinking mcdonalds coffee and listening to morning radio.
I miss edmonton.

Today is a day where I am reminded why I have made the sacrifices I have made the last couple of years. Without getting into it, pulling off AW15 is a fucking miracle without my Art Director and Creative Director. 

But we did it. 

You go through this 5 day period where you don't really sleep and where multiple days turn into one rolling day. You pull it off, celebrate and then sort of crumble. But today after I looked at our photos, at the clothes, watched the show, slept for 7 hours and then thought about everything that went into making this all happened, it left me really thinking...how did this happened? how did I get here?

Today, I'm proud of myself. 

I think that we live in a society where being proud is looked down upon. Where having an opinion is a negative thing; it's not in my humble opinion, it's my opinion because this is what I believe in. We are shamed for being proud of our accomplishments, for speaking and thinking highly of ourselves in fear that we may come off as cocky. 

We're almost shamed for believing in ourselves. 
But if anyone should believe in you, it better be you. 

I often have these moments where I think about what I can't do, what I'm not good at, what makes me inferior, and what makes other better. I know that I'm not the only one who battles with this. 

But today, today I thought, holy fuck, look at what I can do. 

When I moved to D.C. in 2012, I was lucky enough to have a kick ass mentor who showed me the things that a woman should and could be. She was featured in this piece recently where she was quoted: 

What advice do you have for other women leaders?I was recently at a women leadership panel where a comment made by another participant really stuck with me. The comment was about how we, as women, all too often use phrases to sabotage the strength of our statements. For example: “I'm sorry, but…”OR“Could you do me a favor and…”OR“I was wondering if there was any way we could…” At that moment, I realized that I was guilty of doing this myself! My takeaway, which I would like to pass on to other women, is don't apologize; just say what you mean and what you need. And as a result, you'll be heard, understood and respected.

She's right, don't apologize.

If you can take anything away from this, then let it be this: 

1) don't be afraid 
2) be proud 
3) have an opinion, it shows that you believe in something.