Common Denominator

Someone recently told me that a heavy heart is often a stimulus for thought, creativity, innovation and inspiration. Though we don’t want to admit that we need times of despair to bring us some sort of clarity, it is often a sad reality...

Today, it’s death. Our common denominator.

It is hell on our heart. It is an architect of anxiety. It is a trigger for emotional stress.

It is a natural course of progression. It is life.

The scary thing about death is that is becomes more and more real the older we get. The other day my co-worker was saying how her parents attend a funeral almost every weekend. I can only imagine the state of depression that we embark as we age…

A couple of months ago, I watched a beautiful family lose their brother, uncle, father, grandfather and husband, who was just shy of his 60^th birthday. He was taken far too early, but was greeted by his twin brother who passed the same and tragic way. I’m not a very emotional person, but the thought and sight of little P asking Santa to just bring his JaJa back really pulled at my heartstrings. I see my parents with their grandchildren and I witness the joy these little munchkins bring. I also see the pivotal role my parents play in shaping their lives. The same pivotal role my grandfather played in my life.

The last few months I watched co-workers lose young friends to cancer, friends lose parents and grandparents to illness. I mourned the loss of a dear pet. I watched once spunky seniors turn into quiet, monotone, depressed people. I watch my parent’s age and find myself trying to turn back [precious, precious] time.

Just last week, I saw somebody suddenly lose his mother. This in itself made me tremble with fear. My heart aches for him and his family.

Then I saw one of my closest friends lost her grandmother. A woman who survived travesty during the war and then missed the arrival of her great grandson by a mere two days. A woman, who once caught a bat, saved the wing to give to her grand daughters, in belief that it would bring the girls their soul mates. 

Though thousands of miles away, these precious people and the memories they leave us with, are impossible to forget and we can’t help by grieve.

Last night we sat in my bed and I said to her: “She didn’t suffer, she followed her natural path of progression, it is just life taking its course.” It’s difficult to find peace with this. And the only thing that we can rely on to help us heal is time. 

"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important." -Steve Jobs

This morning, I awoke to a call from across the world, to hear that my beloved grandfather had passed peacefully in his sleep. The last words were exchanged last Sunday were:

Deda: “When are you coming to visit?”

T: “I hope to be there this summer, Deda”

Deda: “Till then, I love you and I send my kisses.”

T: “Ljubim te, I volim te puno, Deda” (I send my kisses and I love you lots, Grandpa)

Deda: Makes that smoochy noise with his lips like he did when I was a wee one, scrubbing his whiskers all over my cheek, leaving residue of saliva and his favorite ale for me to whipe off with disgust.  

I could literally feel the roughness of his facial hair on my cheek as memories sailed in my mind. My heart sank like an anchor in a deep ocean and tears swept down my cheeks, each tear marking my tremendous love for a man who taught me so much. One of the most valuable lessons being how to choose a good watermelon. (If you didn’t know, it’s all in how the melon sounds when you knock on it.) These are the invaluable lessons I will forever cherish.

Our relationship was different than the relationships he had with his other grandchildren. I was the youngest of four grandkids, and thus the most spoiled. He never came over without candy or chocolate or ice cream. He always let me steer his big yellow truck, while he shifted gears. He never let me win at card games, until I got old enough to out smart him. He never forgot to remind me to wear socks, because if I didn’t I was guaranteed to be sick (my foreign counterparts can relate to this, I’m sure).

We clicked. We had chemistry. We complimented one another in all the right ways. And I knew that he loved me to the moon and back because I could feel it in the strength of his hugs and the sloppiness of his kisses.

My tears intermingled with laughs all day. He was a quirky man with zero patience, an aggressive attitude, but nonetheless, a soft soul who worked hard to help others. 

Now, may he rest. 

Putting this all out on paper makes me feel so much better. Brings peace to my uneasy spirit. Helps me cope with a difficult reality.

Death is a grim thing, but the reality is that we all have an expiry date. The end of time is a difficult thing to comprehend, but we’re not meant to comprehend it. Stop trying to make sense of what’s happening around you, because the reality is that everything is unfolding exactly as it should be.

We’re just picking up the pieces they left us with and carrying them on. Really, it’s actually so beautiful. Tragedy helps us recollect all those artifacts that were just sitting in our minds. Dust them off. Treasure them. Share them. Laugh. Cry. Sing. Smile. Breathe. They had many great, great years. Release your sigh of relief. They are off to a new chapter, but their presence will forever fill the creases, gaps and holes of your being.

Pull your heart from your gut and fill it with the same happiness that your loved one’s brought to you. 

Let me be cliché.

Time is precious.

Don’t let painful experiences remind you of this.

None of us come out of this world alive.

Be not afraid of death itself, rather, afraid that we will leave with important words and deeds left unsaid and undone.

And now, I leave you with this.

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.  It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once
more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie.  Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."